Clash
by H.A.R.M.Girl
Summary: Some people have personalities that just...clash. Hakuba Saguru and Hattori Heiji are two such people. Kaitou Kid was definitely not suspecting that facing off against more than one detective would be this easy. Oneshot, crack...ish.


**I don't own Detective Conan.**

**Started out as a serious story, then after the first break it sort of transitions into crack fic territory…you can probably tell that the writing style changes a bit.**

**So, on with another "what if" fic!**

xXx

"Kudou." Hattori bent down to shrunken teenager's height and stared into his bespectacled eyes intently. The child formerly known as "Shinichi" didn't think he had ever heard his Osakan counterpart's voice take on such a gravely serious tone. "We have ta catch him."

Conan groaned, mentally berating himself for not having seen this coming. For once, Hattori and Kazuha had called ahead before they had shown up at the Mouri residence that morning, and Conan—in hopes of avoiding the complicated murders that tended to be carried out whenever he and Hattori came within two miles of each other—had suggested attending that night's Kid heist. After all, given his track record, the ratio of Kid heists that ended in murder to those that didn't was downright _impressive_.

He now suspected that the girls' stubborn insistence on splitting up had not been entirely based on an overwhelming desire to shop. He was sure that Hattori had ranted to Kazuha for at least a week after that Detective Koushien, and Conan wouldn't be surprised if he later learned that she had immediately connected dots as soon as Conan had brought up Kid, following the simple logic that he had managed to overlook.

Kid means Hakuba; Hakuba means an irate, unpleasant Hattori; therefore, Kid means an irate, unpleasant Hattori.

…How could he have been so stupid? After all, Hakuba had appeared in the papers only the day before; if he was already in Japan, why would he have left right before a heist?

And now Hattori's aggression was fueling some sort of over-competitive drive that clearly dictated that _they must catch Kaitou Kid at all costs_.

"Right, Kudou," Hattori almost-snarled as he straightened up. "Hakuba said that accordin' to the heist notice riddle, Kid won't show up for another hour. I looked at it too, and I think I agree with him," he added grudgingly. "Now, Hakuba already checked the roof for any ways that Kid coulda planned to escape without findin' anything, 'cause the wind's too strong for his glider. But I think we should double-check just in case. Ya know how he is; we both saw his screwed up deduction at the Detective Koushien."

"Hattori…" Conan groaned, rolling his eyes and resisting the sudden urge to facepalm. "That doesn't mean anything and you know it. Just trust Hakuba; he knows what he's doing."

Hattori snorted. "If ya say so. But I reserve rights to say that I told ya so when Kid escapes 'cause Hakuba overlooked an extra propeller for his hang glider that he'd stashed on the roof."

xXx

"Um…excuse me?" Kid waved a hand—the one the _wasn't_ clutching the stolen jewel—experimentally in Hakuba's face, only to have it immediately slapped away by the enraged Brit—who also happened to be handcuffed to an equally irate Kansai detective.

"Not now, Kid!" Hakuba hissed dismissively, his scowling brown eyes never leaving Hattori's narrowed green. "I can't _believe_ you! It would have been _nice_ to know you were planning on setting up a trap on your own."

"'S not _my_ fault ya carelessly walked into it," Hattori returned spitefully.

"Please don't tell me you couldn't see to whom you were _binding_ yourself!"

"_He_—" Hattori gestured wildly to Kid with his handcuffed arm, causing Hakuba to stumble "—caused a blackout! I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face!"

"Then why would you do something utterly _imbecilic_ like grab a random wrist and cuff it?" Hakuba shook his trapped wrist in Hattori's face, the handcuffs clinking. "I'm not even wearing a glove like Kid! You couldn't _tell_?"

"First off," Hattori swatted Hakuba's wrist out of his face and held up an index finger. "I grabbed your sleeve, so, no, I couldn't tell ya weren't wearin' a glove. Second—" He put up a second finger "—I grabbed the guy _stealin'_ the emerald!"

"I wasn't '_stealin'_' anything!" Hakuba growled, mocking Hattori accent. "I just happened to be _standing _there!"

"'Just standin' there'? Oi, weren't you supposed to be, I dunno, _helpin'_?"

"Um…is this normal?" Kid muttered to Conan, who had given into his urge this time and facepalmed.

"No," Conan groaned. "Well, with Hattori, yes, but I've _never_ seen Hakuba act like this. I think Hattori may have broken him."

Kid shrugged. "Eh, not too hard to do. He should be back to normal by tomorrow."

"And how would you know that?" Conan smirked up at the much taller thief, who winked in response.

"I have my ways," he said dramatically, bringing a finger to his lips. "I like to keep tabs on my detectives—check up on you from time to time, you know? Make sure no one's died yet."

Conan frowned. "That's a pretty grim outlook."

"True," Kid sighed. "But you can't say it's not logical." He began to juggle the stolen emerald as he hummed an upbeat song that Conan didn't recognize.

The boy raised an eyebrow. "Am I boring you?"

"Oh, not at all," Kid reassured him cheerfully. "I'm just fidgety."

"Regardless," Conan began, with a quick glance at the still-bickering detectives. "…when you begin to juggle stolen goods without any fear of being caught, something is very wrong with the situation."

"I agree. It's just not natural." Kid grinned. "And you know what else isn't natural?"

"What's that?" Conan played along, his Stun-gun Wristwatch already activated.

"Me escaping without a single wound courtesy of your soccer ball." Kid pressed his hands together and grinned pleadingly. "Please?"

Conan blinked. "E-Eh? Uh, sure…" He raised his wristwatch to aim at Kid's forehead and grinned menacingly. "If you say so."

"Ah le le?" Kid mimicked Conan's voice playfully, shocking him just long enough for Kid to poke the watch's targeting screen back into place, temporarily deactivating it. "Little kids shouldn't be playing with things like this; you could take somebody's eye out."

"Hilarious," Conan deadpanned insincerely. "You should be a comedian."

"Nah…" Kid drew his finger away from the watch, his confident grin never faltering. "I'm much better at this. Thanks for the vote of confidence, though." With a tip of his hat, Kid disappeared in a puff of smoke. Conan's tranquilizer dart missed the thief's head by a matter of milliseconds—to bury itself in Hattori's neck.

"Wh-Wha…?" The detective managed before he collapsed against Hakuba, who grabbed his shoulders, rather stunned by the sudden break in their argument.

The blonde blinked at Conan. "…Conan-kun? What just…?"

The boy sighed heavily. "That was downright pathetic. Remind me to _never_ bring Hattori to a Kid heist again. Never."

"Fine by me," Hakuba grunted, shifting the unconscious teenager into a more comfortable position and ignoring the fact that he had just been called 'pathetic' by an elementary school kid. "But how did he get knocked out?"

"I stunned him," Conan replied nonchalantly. "But don't worry, I've had to stun him before; he doesn't stay out long."

"Terrific," Hakuba muttered sarcastically. Suddenly he glanced around the room. "Wait, where are Nakamori-keibu and the Task Force?"

"Really?" Conan groaned. "You really didn't notice? They're all trapped in the other room." He gestured toward the doorway across the room in which they were currently standing—a doorway that seemed to be completely sealed with neon green duct tape. "It was during the blackout. I've no idea _how_ he got all twenty-eight of them in there—and I certainly hope that there's something else preventing them from barging their way in here besides flimsy _duct tape wall_—but you can hear Nakamori-keibu shouting obscenities from here."

"Huh." Hakuba blinked. "And I assume Kid had the emerald when he disappeared?"

"Yep." Conan began to stride toward the bright green duct tape. "C'mon, speaking of the Task Force, we'd better start tearing through this tape—which, I must admit, is rather appropriately-colored."

Hakuba slung Hattori's limp arm around his neck and proceeded to drag him to the doorway. "You mean because the jewel he stole was an emerald?"

"…Something like that."

xXx

"Geez…" Kuroba Kaito muttered as he plopped the jewel that clearly was _not_ Pandora in Nakamori-keibu's coffee cup. He had been planning to toss it through Hakuba's window, but when Aoko asked him to come with her to drop off dinner for her dad…well, how could he pass up that opportunity? Especially now that Aoko had left him alone while she went off to find said father upon discovering that he wasn't at his desk.

"You were an easy one, weren't you?" Kaito continued to address the emerald-containing coffee cup in a low voice. "Who would have thought that going up against three geniuses would be easier than facing off against one?"


End file.
